Y'ALL MEANS ALL! HAPPY PRIDE!

 “So, while I might not want to constantly be asked about my sexuality and just be me, a big part of me is my love of women. So, I guess I’m talking about it until it’s no longer seen as something to talk about.” - Hayley Kiyoko

I have been out now for going on14 years. For some that might seem a long time until you hear that I’m 43 going on 44. Some would debate going on 12, but that’s another episode. I didn’t come out until I was months away from my 30th birthday. With all the progress some ask why we still need PRIDE. So much in the LGBTQIA community happened so quickly. We've got marriage equality and all the queers on tv and movies and even advertisements. Artists and Athletes came out. DADT was overturned. So, we’re good, right? 

Well, in a word: No. With hundreds of anti-lgbtqia measures attempting to be signed into law we continue to walk two steps forward and what can feel like four steps back. Parental recognition, access to healthcare, job security, access to fair housing, and the threat to life for our Trans and Non-Binary family - especially if they are of color - is astronomical. Over 100 bills have been introduced attacking the rights of transgender persons since 2020. So, in a word, No. We’re not out of the woods. But, for the areas we’ve come a long way baby let's celebrate. For the areas we need to keep fighting, let’s celebrate the struggles of those gone before on whose shoulders we stand, and the heroes we join in the fight right now. 

Our stories matter. As I’ve continued to do this podcast I’ve realized my story matters not because it’s extraordinary, but because it’s like many of yours, and your stories matter. In this sharing of our truth, we can find safety in each other, as one of my favorite Black Non- Binary artists Kah Yangni illustrates. Go over and invest in some amazing art on their IG. 

I celebrated my partnership in a ceremony in 2011 when I never thought I’d see legalization of gay marriage in my lifetime. Then it came, and we had a small ceremony in 2016. I wrote my coming out story on the end of that weekend, and I had the privilege to share it in a diversity story slam. I hope you enjoy it, and I sincerely hope you’ll reach out and share your own queer or ally tales with me and the rest of our Mediocre Mystic community throughout the summer. Cheers Queers!

RED: Red Hot Fire, Brimstone, & The Pit O’ Hell
ARKY ARKY...Now, If you aren’t a Baptist you’re wondering what in the holy hell was that? That was my first understanding of the rainbow. Today, this arc of color represents diversity: all inclusive, no matter whom you love. But, for me as a kid in Sunday school, a teenaged camp counselor, and a young adult Bible grad headed toward seminary; that rainbow was an exclusive family of those to whom God Almighty himself had made a promise. The rainbow was a symbol of God’s promise to never again see red and ruthlessly flood the earth drowning it’s inhabitants. Inhabitants like me: a girl who happens to love a girl. I sang that song as a child and taught it to other children as a young adult. I believed even though I had an identity that was contrary to the word of God as I’d been taught it; I would get a pass for suppressing that identity, a crown in glory for oppressing my true self and serving as a soldier in the army of the Lord.

ORANGE: Orange Cones! Caution! Under Construction!
I spent most of my life at church every time the doors were open. I made the denominational rounds; everything from raising my hands during praise and worship with the Pentecostals, to answering the altar calls back home with the Baptists. I was searching desperately to fill the void. The one everyone told me was supposed to be filled by God. A God who loved me, but hated my sin. I could only love this God who hated my sin for so long; before I knew it, I began to hate myself. I joined a deliverance group to pray away the gay. I joined a biblically based recovery group to 12 - step the gay away. I even looked into protestant convents. Being a nun; all that singing, the simple life, and, oh yeah, living with all those chicks, now, that was for me. I would be a servant like Paul, who chose the celibate life for a higher call. But, these kinds of noble rationalizations could only hold me for so long. I began to proceed with caution toward investigating my “thorn in the flesh”: having round - about conversations with my best friend and other religious geeks, reading gaychurch.org to examine what they had to say about the infamous clobber passages like the ones found in Leviticus, a protestor favorite! And, then it was time to pull out the big guns: my Greek and Hebrew texts, every English interpretation of the Bible you can imagine, and a collection of commentaries to investigate the issue in complete context. We’re talking full - on nerd alert here. But, this; This. Was. My. WHOLE LIFE. A clearly defined path toward a calling as far back as I could remember. I was a person under construction, and the only tools I knew to make sense of it all were the ones I’d always had. What would I do if I didn’t believe every jot and tittle of scripture? Who would I be without this fundamental faith?

 YELLOW: Yella Bellied Fear & Loathing In Cackalacky                             Imagine my surprise when I discovered what Jesus had to say about it all was... crickets. The truth will set you free indeed. But, that freedom came with the heavy price of losing everything I’d ever known, hoped for, or loved. I began to realize it wasn’t nobility at all; but, as we say in the south, yella bellied fear that defined my life. Fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of failure. I had built my entire existence in the kingdom of God. I was terrified of the inquisition to follow coming out. Once I discovered my truth, I wanted to lean into it fully. At the same time, as fucked up as the 19 & Counting Duggar life I was living may have been, losing it was absolutely devastating. Now, losing the long skirts, and teased bangs, that was a relief! But, this wasn’t a reality show. This was my actual life, and even though I’d always been the black sheep and never quite fit in, it was what I knew. Already a troublemaker pursuing a call to ministry as a woman, as a lesbian it would be out of the question.

If I left, I could never come back. When you fall in line with the views of the church, the love and support is fierce. But, I’d be stepping out of line and walking off base. I would be like a deserter, and no one would be coming after me.

GREEN: Greenhorn On The Scene
I lived a double life for a time; trying to step out and be brave while at the same time hiding in fear. I felt emotionally and mentally exhausted. My body was physically sore from the stress of being pulled in two directions at once. One foot in, still doing what I’d always done, yet feeling out of place and out of sorts. One foot out, going on dates, and feeling a sense of belonging in the gay community I never had anywhere else. I was green behind the ears full of pure joy on the one hand, and racked with gut wrenching guilt on the other. Here I was a grown ass 30 year old woman, and yet I felt like a little baby seedling trying her best to break through the rockiest of soil and grow. A late bloomer; slowly, but surely I found my way.

BLUE: I Saw The Light Of The Clear Blue Morning
January of 2009 I was attending an inclusive affirming church. If these loving, non-judgmental people were going to hell, sign me up for a pitch fork! Religion, too, had diversity l’d learned. In fact, there were many more colors in addition to black & white; there was not only one way to believe. January is the season of Epiphany in liturgical traditions, a celebration of light and change. I can remember meditating before early service; the church draped in blue for the season, the faint smell of incense and old church must, the creaking of the wooden pew and kneeling bench. In the stillness, I heard deep down within my soul: Grace, you’re not going to hell. Maybe it was God, maybe I simply heard my own voice instead of everyone else’s around me for the first time. Either way, I was changed by that light.

INDIGO: An Indigo Girl Closer To Fine
Even though I’d figured out where I was headed, shaking off where I’d been proved to be quite the process. I was the last one to know I was an ‘Indigo Girl’; minus the mullet, of course. As I began to integrate and live my life out loud, loss did follow as I had suspected. My immediate family, the church family of my youth, an ordination process I’d worked hard at for years. However, I was caught off guard with unexpected gifts; deeper sistership with my best friend who’s been there thick & thin, the rekindling of friendship with a childhood friend who was out and helped me come out publicly, reconnection with extended family who’ve been through similar coming out stories. I found acceptance in the most surprising of places. As one of my childhood ministry heroines said: ‘In acceptance lies peace.’ All was not lost, and so much more has been gained; new friends, new faith, new dreams.

VIOLET: Here Come The Brides In Violet Flannel
I met my beloved the good ol’ fashioned way by saying ‘hello’ in the pew next to mine. That’s right folks we met in church. 7 years later, in the mountains of NC, donned in violet flannels & white ties, jeans & hiking boots (I mean really, could it get anymore lesbian?!); I married that beautiful woman who kept me from thinking about the sermon, and gave me the courage to say ‘hello’ with her kind eyes and welcoming smile. It has taken time to lose the rhetoric, but I now revel in the love. After all... GOD IS LOVE